Friday, April 6, 2007

"Hypocrites" - posted Dec 5, 2006 on myspace

I have been keeping this inside for the past few years or so, especially after a "conversation" I had with someone close to me last year (if you can call it a conversation - he spoke and I couldn't get anything in edgewise). It's been bothering me a lot. I try to forgive and forget but it still bugs me that I would get angry just thinking about it. I had thought about writing to this person but after knowing this person my whole life, there is nothing I could say or do that would change his opinion about me or the way I live my life.

So, since I can't really "tell" this person how/what I feel, I figured I'd write it down here and let it off my chest coz everytime I think about this person or remember what he had said to me, I just get angier and angier.

I feel/think that he is a hypocrite. In all of my 35 years, I've only lived with this person for all of 9 years, from ages of 5 - 12 and 18 - 19. The rest of the time, you ask? Baby - 5 (with my grandparents), 13 - 18 (boarding school), 19 - 20 (community college) & 20 - present (on my own in America). He doesn't know much about how I live my life except for what he may/may not heard from other people and what he formulated in his own mind. I could hardly tell him anything coz whatever I do is never good enough (to his mighty high standards, anyways) and he usually already has his mind made up about me that it's not worth my time or effort to change his mind.

He has this high and mighty opinion about himself that he knows everything and his words are holier than thou and whatever other people think is worth shit. Please don't get me wrong, I am more than grateful for all the things he had provided and done for me. I am truly thankful for all the experience that I went thru coz without it, I won't be the person I am now. I just feel that he needs to learn to humble himself and listen to what other people's feelings and/or opinions no matter if the person is older or younger than him, because everyone is entitle to their own opinion!!!!

So what that I live in America and am married to a "Mat Salleh". Just because I live here doesn't mean I am influenced by the western culture. That because I am far away from my family, I would do things that I wouldn't do if I live near them. So what if I don't pakai tudung and don't cover my aurat most of the time. As a human being, that is my prerogative. I don't drink, smoke, gamble, do drugs or eat babi. I try my best not to hurt anyone's feelings especially those who are close and dear to me (I bite my tongue most of the time coz I don't like confrontations). I definitely didn't/wouldn't cheat on my spouse and find a "replacement" especially when she is sick and dying of cancer. Even my "Mat Salleh" husband knows that that is a horrible thing to do to someone especially to the person who had been with you thru the good and the bad and took care of you when you are ill. I am living my life the way I see fit, the good and the bad. I don't answer to YOU. Whatever I do or don't, it's between me and Allah. If whatever I do is not according to Allah's way, then I will answer to Allah. You are advising me, you said? Well, advises, like opinions, are subjective. I will take your advise as I see fit and don't get into a hissy fit if I don't follow it. You should look at your own life first and maybe take your own advise first before handing it out to other people.

Well enough said...I am starting to ramble. I just leave this the way it is. Take it any which way you want. I just need to get it off my chest and not have to think about it anymore.

To all of you hypocrites out there...You can go FUCK yourselves!!!!

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